I’m hoping the novel “The Fountainhead” is about you, how you’re like Howard Roark.

Unfortunately, odds are good it’s not.

So what’s “The Fountainhead” about?  It’s about individualism.

Who is Howard Roark?

Howard Roark is the main character in Ayn Rand’s “The Fountainhead.”  He’s an unwavering, uncompromising individual.

Roark stands for integrity, truth to one’s self, serving no one but himself.  He stands against mainstream thought and conforming to the whims of others.

Roark is an architect, but the farthest from a normal architect.  If you had to label him, you’d call him a “modern architect” because his designs run free of mainstream architecture, with no hint of borrowed qualities of classical work.  I originally wrote that his architecture was opposite of mainstream, but that’s not right.  He’s free from the influence of mainstream, not purposely opposite.

In short, Roark is his own man, and Roark’s work is his own work.  He fights this principle with zero compromise, despite almost certain obscurity and poverty.  (Spoiler: don’t worry, he wins)

The “Second-Handers”

The second-handers are the people around Howard.  While Howard strives to be an individual, it’s the second-handers that give him shit about it.  And each second-hander does so in their own way.

Second-Hander Gail Wynand

Gail Wynand appears to be a power-hungry newspaper boss, but secretly is a Roark-wannabe.  Wynand is the full individual minus the courage and integrity.  He’s “successful” much like some might consider Dick Cheney (a successful dick).  Wynand is tested to his ultimate edge, and almost wins.

Second-Hander Dominique Francon

Beautiful potential, but meek.  It’s harsh for me to call Dominique a second-hander, because she’s so close to great, but too scared to go for it.  Dominique reminds me of the famous Henry David Thoreau quote: “Most people lead lives of quiet desperation.”  Dominique quietly admires Roark, but rarely takes a stand.  Only until she’s built up courage from years around him does she ‘win.’

Other Second-Handers

Wynand and Dominique are the two figures most in Roark’s life, but there are others.  One is Roark’s old school chum, a soulless parasite, a borrower of ideas seeking the fast-track.  Another is a behind-the-scenes evil bastard who seeks to squelch independent thought.  There are more, but these two shine as second-handers.

Our Own Second-Handers

See the connection?  All these second-handers are our own.  Naysayers, quiet admirers, and the power-hungry who’d rather you stay subservient.

How do you react to your second-handers?

• Do you try to apologize for your beliefs? (Roark wouldn’t)
• Do you conform to just the most important ones in your life?  (Roark wouldn’t)
• Do you lead a life of quiet desperation? (Roark wouldn’t, nor would Thoreau)

The way you stand for your own beliefs (and strive to your own successes) is what defines you as a Roark, a Wynand or a Dominique.

What About You?  Are You an Individual?

Odds are good you see yourself as an individual.  We all do.  That’s what makes it easy to fantasize about living abroad.

Odds are better you’re more conformist than the ideal Howard Roark.  We all naturally conform to some degree.  That’s what makes culture shock what it is: difficult.

But to be a successful and happy expat, you must have a little “Howard Roark” in you.  You have be comfortable in your own skin, comfortable not having to be like everyone else, both at home and in your host country.  You must be an individual.

To find out, I’d recommend reading “The Fountainhead.”  Who do you sympathize with?  Are you closer to the ideal Roark or are you another second-hander?  Knowing this ahead of time will help you with living abroad.

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Last week I said out loud that I’m feeling homesick because on December 5th was the holiday “Mikulas” in the CzechRepublic.  My five and a half year old daughter remembers celebrating it last year and I wish I could have taken her this year.

Wait…”homesick?” — what the hell am I’m thinking calling Czech Republic “home!” Should I?  Shouldn’t I?

I’m confused….so I’m writing this post.

Where Is My Home?

I could do research.  I could read other people’s blogs.  I could analyze my feelings.  But deep down, I know what I’m feeling.  I’m feeling homesick for my last home – Prague, Czech Republic.

BUT – I’m not Czech.  And I only lived there 4 years.  Hell, toward the end, I wasn’t even enjoying life (at least the job part).

So, why am I homesick today?  Truth is, I have no freakin’ idea.  Any comments or help from you is greatly appreciated.  But I know I miss it there, especially when I look out the window of my current life.  Guess I’m still heavily in some transition phase.

What Makes a Place Home?

I’m racking my brain trying to think why I have homesickness for a place I met just less than 5 years ago.  I’m racking my brain trying to understand what makes a place “home.” Questions to ask – answers tell us what’s “home.”

1. Where am I living today?
2. Where did I spent the majority of the last 5 years?
3. Where did I grow up?

Now, here is where I am truly f*cked.  I get three different answers for those three different questions:  1=Canada  2= Czech Republic  3=US

Let’s try again.

1. Where am I living today?
2. Where did I spent the majority of the last 5 years?
3. Where did I grow up?
4. Where does my native land’s tax authority (IRS?) consider as my home address?
5. Where are the majority of my friends?
6. Where is the majority of my family?
7. Where do I have any assets (income property, businesses, savings) ?
8. Where is my “banking” done?
9. If I’m feeling homesickness, where would I go to fix it?
10. If I’m feeling culture shock where’s the “normal” place?

Okay — that’s a more complete list.  Still, for me, “home” is split between 3 places (US, Canada, Czech Republic), and not so evenly.  In fact, it’s Canada x3, Czech Republic x6, and US x3.  (some questions got multiple answers)

Your Turn

Where is home to you?  Where are you answers for 1-10?  What am I missing?  I really want to know.

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If you’re a first time reader, a quick, 50-word preface:

I’m an American married to an Canadian.  We moved to Halifax, Canada this summer from our last home in Prague, Czech Republic.  So, we come here as new residents: one citizen and one on “visitor status.”

So, Here I Am, an American in Canada

Against common myth, Americans are not freely welcome in Canada.  Sure, we can come to visit, -but not to stay.  Americans: Canada is not your 51st state. (That’s worth repeating, but I won’t).

So, Here I Am, on Visitor Status

Visitor status -that’s what you get when you come to Canada and have no legal grounds to stay.  For Americans, visitor status lasts 6 months.  That 6 months puts me as valid until December 24th.  Then I’m free to leave.  In fact, I’m told to leave.  All but escort my ass over the border – thanks.  Have a nice day, eh?

If I seem gruff, it’s a tinge of bitterness.  I’m married to a native-born Canadian and we have two kids, foreign born with Canadian citizenship.  (By the way, yes, there is a difference between native and foreign born Canadians.)  So, in my family, I’m feeling as much Canadian as American.

So, Here I Am, in Front of Immigration

When we arrived at Halifax airport late last June, we were sweating bullets.  Over the flight (and often prior) we went over our “stories,” our angle, planning and rehearsing answers to any question.

We expected to be questioned on our intentions and we expected a little grilling.  I had no reason to demand “I’m living here now” and it’s unreasonable to believe “Sure, my Canadian family is moving here, but I’m soon returning to Prague.”

One thing for sure we knew: Immigration is not our friend.

And we were right. Immigration can be that nosey but otherwise harmless neighbour.  Immigration can be the crotchety bureaucrat that can’t seem to do their job twice the same way.  And they can be the power-tripping, asshole cop who’s wife is cheating on them while they pull a double-shift and they just caught you doing 110 in a 50.  But they are not your friend.

I Filed my Residency Paperwork

First, we saw an immigration lawyer.  Well worth the $275 – he answered questions we didn’t know we had.

Second, we decided on the path to take – as a spouse.

Next we filled in documents and gathered our supporting evidence: certificates, criminal background checks and financial statements.  I got the photos.  I did my medical examination.

It’s all footwork that we expected.  We went through the same drill in the US for my wife who successfully got her US citizenship.  Still, experience doesn’t make immigration paperwork any fun, nor prepare you for the idiocy that comes at every turn (or counter).

And, Here I Am. …Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock.

So we file my application.  I just checked on the status last week.  Thankfully they received it.  Of course I know the application package arrived; I sent it by FedEx.  But arrived doesn’t immediately mean “received” in the system.  The nice lady confirmed “Probably be another 7-8 months before the reviewers get to yours.”  Great.

Meanwhile, tick, tock, tick, tock.  My visitor status expiry looms and I was told to extend it as soon as possible.  But how?

We look online -there’s an immigration office downtown Halifax.  Great!

I arrange babysitting and go downtown to the CIC office: “Sorry, can’t help you – by appointment only. Call this number.”

I step outside the office & call the number: “Sorry, but all agents are busy right now…please try your call again on our less busy days, Thursday and Friday.”  Great.

I call on Thursday.  An agent answers.  After my “elevator speech explanation” to immigration officers, she offers “Sorry, but can’t help you.”

For the love of god, how is it a freakin’ Czech post office can have better customer service than any country’s immigration office?

Well, considerable investigation later – I find out I can extend my stay online.  Most unbelievable to me is no one was able to say that.

Who knew their website has so much processing available all online?  Certainly not Canadian immigration officers.

So, Here I Am, on Extended Visitor Status

All’s well that ends well.  And we patiently wait the 7-8 months for my permanency residence application to be reviewed.  Since 7 is more than 6, I guess I’ll be extending my visitor status again next summer.  At least I’ll know what to do.

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You and a friend meet. How do you greet?

Hug? Handshake? Kiss?

Do you embrace, extend your hand or plant a kiss on the cheek?
It may be common sense to most people, but for you as the expat, it’s a valid question. For the expat, it can be uneasy one for the first couple encounters. Is the handshake too cold? Is a kiss appropriate? Opposite sex? (as if it should matter). Big breasted? (ok, for hugs, it matters since they get in the way)

But seriously, what do you do? Depends on where you are.
How about the feeling behind it? Depends on who you are and where you’re from.

Definitions

What’s a hug, what’s a handshake, and what’s a kiss?
Everyone knows this…well, just in case…

According to Wikipedia

“A hug is a form of physical intimacy, not necessarily sexual, that usually involves closing or holding the arms around another person or group of persons.”

“A handshake is a short ritual in which two people grasp each other’s right hand, often accompanied by a brief up and down movement of the grasped hands.”

“A kiss is the act of pressing one’s lips against the body of another. Cultural connotations of kissing vary widely.”

“Cultural connotations of kissing vary widely.”
That’s a big point.

Okay, my definitions…

Being an American expat, I have my own take on the 3 ways to say “hello”.

The Hug
Pretty straightforward: – open arms, step in, wrap and embrace – there you have it.
Guys usually do the man-hug: step-in, wrap from afar, pat-pat-pat, pop away.
Just don’t get too affectionate, lest you come off as Bill Murray in Groundhog Day.

The Handshake
Also pretty straightforward thing: extend open sideways palm, grasp, shake, shake, shake -boom goes the dynamite.
Social etiquette says a firm grip is best.
Totally the norm in the U.S. and northern Europe, apart from the closest friends.
However, After spending enough time where a kiss is the norm, you feel the handshake to be cold and awkward. It’s too business-like for friends. Is my buddy asking me for a beer or to attend a meeting? [quote]

The Cheek Kiss
Definitely not straightforward. For Americans, this is challenging. Questions flurry through the mind: this really normal? is this intimate? should our lips touch? Whoa, which way first?
Toughest part is knowing how many times to kiss and which direction first. No easy answer here.

Get the facts

Kiss / Handshake Line In Europe?
In Europe, it’s going to be between a handshake or a cheek kiss. This is totally generalizing, but I’ll tell that in Northern Europe – it’s a handshake. Southern Europe – it’s a kiss. That is so broad, though, it’s only to help set your expectations. But it’s no guide what to do when you get there.

Okay, For Friends, it’s Fine. When Does it Get Strange?
You get to your friend’s house. You find she has other friends over. Introductions start. Your friend starts to introduce you to her friends. Now what? Do you extend your hand out or do you lean in for the kiss on the cheek? One friend is from Sicily, one from Paris, and one from Turkey.
The thing about the cheek kiss is, once it’s done once within a group, more chance all will continue it, even if it’s hardly the norm for each. Funny that way, which tells you it’s more natural and desirable than a handshake, right?

Your Very Own How-To Give a Cheek Kiss

Generally speaking, North Americans see the cheek kiss as foreign. We shake hands or hug. So, I see plenty of room for learning the cheek kiss. Maybe we’re just avoiding the potential mix up. The potential for embarrassment is in the starting point.

Cheek kissing is not hard. You’ve hugged someone before, right? Okay, then you can kiss a cheek. Let’s get down to procedure.

Here are a few pointers:

Don’t tense up. Relax. – It’s a “hello,” not a dentist visit.
Don’t close your eyes. – Else you’re puckered up in mid-air, alone. Embarrassing!
Know first what side comes first, left-right or right-left? - Imagine what happens if you don’t.
Do NOT plant your lips firmly on their cheek -it’s cheek/cheek, not suck-a-cheek kissing.
Mistakes will happen, it’s a fact – Rarely but often enough to happen, someone goes the unexpected way,then BooM – for a split second, you’re liplocked. Embarrassing? Yes. A big deal? No.

Is it Right-Left or Left-then-Right? Can 3 Lefts Make a Right?
This is so, so, so dependent on where you live. If somebody claims “Oh, well in Italy they kiss 3 times,” that’s BS. It’s different per country and very often different within the country.

In France, the faire la bise or “to kiss hello” can mean kissing once, twice, up to five times! Even for French people who travel around, it takes time to get used to the new way!

A Pressing Question: Hug, Handshake or Kiss

In the end, what’s the best practice?
Well, follow someone else’s lead, of course! Sure – it works, especially if you’re being introduced by someone who lives there, just copy what they do. Just don’t find yourself puckered up in mid-air…and don’t leave anyone else hanging there either.
Enjoy.

Oh, sidenote: If you want to compare the ice-breakers of expats to ‘non-expats’, then click here.

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July 1st is Canada Day. Happy Canada Day!!

This is my first time in the country for the holiday ever. My wife’s first time in many years. We’re spending the day with my wife’s family and many more in a small rural village in northern Nova Scotia. Local events include dancing, concerts of local talent, mini-highland games, helicopter rides, and a parade. A little something for everyone hopefully.

Vacation is over as of this week. Reality is replacing the holiday feeling, bigtime. Culture shock is working its magic. To be more correct, this is reverse culture shock, since, at least for my wife, she’s returning “home.”

Hope all is well with you, wherever you are.

-Jeff

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A few days ago I read an article called “What Makes an Expat?.”

I really enjoyed it. I liked it so much, I immediately looked up the author, Kathy Hamilton, and asked if I could repost it here for you. I like the article because it’s personal, introspective and it just seemed to resonant with me and how I feel, too.

Here it is:

Thanks in part to online networking sites, I have recently reconnected with many former high school classmates. Once I left high school, I moved away from my hometown in south Texas and lost touch with almost all of my fellow graduates.
A handful of us attended the same university for a while, but did not stay in close contact once we found our own footing in a new, much larger academic world. I kept moving further away from my hometown, drawn to new experiences in unfamiliar cities and countries. To me, it is surprising how many of my classmates felt drawn to stay in the same area, often within a few miles of their parents’ houses.

These friends are comfortable in familiar surroundings. Many have extended family living nearby, and they have kept the same close circle of friends that they had in high school. Some are working in the family business, some have opened their own companies and others work for large corporations. Most seem to have stayed with the same employer for the majority of their working lives. Classmates who I am in contact with are very content with their lives and cannot imagine living far away from family and friends or making drastic changes in their career paths.

I, on the other hand, always knew that I would somehow leave my hometown behind. To me, especially in my high school years, my city seemed too small and suffocating. My family had often traveled abroad while I was growing up, so my brother and I grew up experiencing other cultures firsthand. This was something that the majority of my schoolmates and their families did not do. Is my desire to live elsewhere somehow linked to seeing large parts of the world at a young age?

Reconnecting with former classmates has made me wonder just what it is that makes some people crave the expat life, while others raised in the same community find their place in their own hometown. What is it that makes one person wander the world in search of adventure, new experiences and, possibly, a new home? Why is it that some people prefer staying within close proximity of where they were born and raised, never feeling an inclination to venture outside of their comfort zones?

While I love visits home and the chance to meet up with old friends, I cannot imagine what my life would have been like had I tried to settle down there for good. Even at a young age, I dreamed of traveling the world. When friends and I talked about our goals as teenagers, my hopes tended to be very different from most of theirs. Their plans included university, marriage and children. My goals were simple — to travel to faraway places and write about my life there.

One high school friend recently told me that she always knew I would end up on the other end of the world. Even in school, she said, I had different dreams from the other girls in my class. Not satisfied with simply reading about other cultures and countries, she remembers me planning my travels long before I was able to make my dreams a reality. Even back then, I wanted to live in other countries, instead of merely visiting foreign places on holidays.

My brother lived abroad for two years as a Peace Corps volunteer in the West African country of Niger. After his return to the United States, he did move far away from the south Texas city where we grew up, but he does not feel a great desire to travel the world. He, like many of my former classmates, is content to stay within his own comfort zone.

So, what makes some people want to wander the globe? Are expats restless souls in search of some elusive dream? Granted, there are numerous expats who leave their homelands because of the nature of today’s global business world. Some of these business expats are anxiously awaiting the day when they will be transferred back to their home countries. At the time, they may view the expat life as an inconvenience that must be endured in order to advance in their careers.

I am beginning to suspect that voluntary expats, those who move abroad for their own reasons, are a breed apart. The reasons for adopting the life of an expat are as numerous as expats themselves. Some people move abroad for love, to change careers, to search for adventure, to learn about other cultures or to find a place where they feel they fit in. There are expats who only stay in a country for a limited amount of time before moving on. Then there are expats, like myself, who travel until they find a new place to set down roots and call home.

Friends back in my south Texas hometown have often asked me if I ever plan to move back “home.” Since our lifestyles have been so different, it is almost inconceivable to them that I would feel more at home in a foreign country. There are things I miss about Texas when I am in Turkey, but there are also things I miss about Turkey when I visit Texas. As an expat, I will probably never totally fit into Turkish culture, but the flip side is that after living abroad for so many years, I feel like a bit of an outsider when I am in my own hometown.

So, what it is that makes someone decide to leave their own country and relocate to another land? Maybe it is a restlessness inside of us. Perhaps it is a longing for a place where we can create a new life. There are times, however, when I look at the lives of my friends who stayed put in our hometown and think that it might have been nice to always reside in the same place and have the same circle of friends who have known me since grade school. In reality, though, I really cannot imagine having stayed in my south Texas town. For me, İstanbul has been the home I longed to find.

A few words about Kathy, from Kathy:
A displaced Texan by choice, my first visit to Turkey was in 1981, on the heels of a military coup. In spite of the short-term civil unrest, I continued to return for vacations until finally succumbing to the lure of Istanbul and moving permanently to Istanbul in 1998. My work as a correspondent for one of the national newspapers covers expat lifestyles, culture, food and off the beaten track historic sites. My work has been featured in Hali, Modern Carpets & Textiles, Time Out Istanbul, Rahal Turkey and Taste Anatolia. Personal essays are included in the non-fiction anthologies Tales From the Expat Harem; Mexico: A Love Story; A Woman’s World Again and award-winning Call Me Okaasan:Tales in Multicultural Mothering.

Jeff here again to mention if ever you find yourself shopping in Istanbul’s famous bazaars, it’s better if you go shopping with Kathy.

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I’m not just adventurous in real life (yeah, right), I’m adventurous in website administration.

My dream of helping people live overseas suddenly found a glass ceiling – enough time to answer e-mails.
So, one idea I came up with is to create a forum where people could ask questions (and I still answer them), but future people could see the same questions (& answers!).

A central place for questions. Easy access to (everyone’s) answers. It’s a win-win idea.

I present the world’s newest Expat’s Questions and Answers forum: www.expatyourself.com/forum

You may think it’s light on the questions so far…you’re right. You need to ask them first.

Please post your questions there and I will be very diligent about answering them.

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Before I talk about expats, let’s go over a typical ice-breaker conversation in the United States:

Charlie: “Hey, Alice – I want you to meet Bob. Bob, this here’s Alice. Talk amongst yourselves.”

Alice: Hi Bob. What do you do?
Bob: I’m a butcher/engineer/shepherd/{any trade you want} You?
Alice: I write for the local paper.
Bob: Oh, that must be interesting…how long have you been there?
Alice: About 4 years. Yeah, I like it. I meet a lot of interesting people.
Bob: That sounds interesting.

Should sound familiar. It’s pretty much the dialogue you have each time you meet someone, right?

Okay, now how about the same ice breaker between expats?

Jeff: So, where are you from?
Martin: UK {note to non-Britons: they never say Great Britain! }
Jeff: Ok, cool. I’m American. How long you been here?
Martin: 8, 8 1/2 years – you?
Jeff: Just 4 years.
Martin: What do you do?
Jeff: I work at {insert multinational company or global datacenter}
Martin: Oh, yes, I know a lot of Americans there. You know Buddy Sowenso?
Jeff: I’ve heard the name, but I don’t know him yet. What do you do?
Martin: I’m teaching English at the {insert language school or city college}.
Jeff: Oh, okay. Do you get home often?
Martin: Once, maybe twice a year. You?
Jeff: Not as much. Been back just one time

[ ...... after more socializing / drinking ..... ]

Martin: I couldn’t believe it …Totally didn’t expect that!
Jeff: Unreal…only here, right? So, plans to return home?
Martin: Yeah, probably after another year or so. You?
Jeff: I’m almost ready. Maybe after another year or so.

See any differences? Talk amongst yourselves.

Now, how expat friends greet each other is another story. Do expats hug, kiss or handshake?

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Last Friday, I celebrated my birthday. Drinks, dinner, dancing – expat style.

My favorite thought of the night: “What a small world we are!”
Let me share with you why…

A few weeks back, my wife had asked me how I wanted to celebrate my birthday. An easy answer – “With friends!”

Where did we celebrate? A small but tasty Peruvian restaurant close to Prague’s Old Town Square. Martin, the restaurant manager, was extremely accommodating and helpful with planning.

We almost reserved the place exclusively, but not quite. Still, with our party’s talking and laughing, the 20 of us easily dominated the restaurant atmosphere, until we finally settled down to order dinner around 9pm.

We shared several bottles of wine, many favorite drinks and a lot of delicious food (Lomo Saltado rocks!).

I took a moment to enjoy my pisco sour (Peru’s national drink), looked around at the range of friends around me …

Then it hit me.

I looked again around the table. I told myself where they’re from, starting from my right: Peru, Malaysia, Brazil, Germany, Russia, USA, Czech, UK, Italy, Canada…

It hit me that with some 20 people, we represented 10 countries. With hardly a problem for all, English is the common language. Maybe after some drinks for courage, some friends try practicing what they studied years ago, but English usually comes easily for expats.

“Where are you from?” is usually a conversation opener, but after knowing someone for a while, it’s just forgotten. But group together 20 friends who are also expats from all over – and the “small world” effect can really kick in!

Just something to consider the next time you’re among a large group of your friends – where are you all from?

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This article isn’t about culture shock. It’s about how we adapt and accept our new surroundings. (culture shock happens regardless)

Let me start with a personal story about my wife coming down to the USA from Canada.
Occasionally, she would utter “Oh, okay, that’s just not what I’m used to back home.” How do you think her more sensitive friends took this? Through a lens of “Canadian vs American”, some friends got offended.
It took some time before she figured out what was the issue, and then quickly learned not to compare.
And the differences between Canadian & American are more superficial and subtle than between say, American and Korean.

It’s important to be aware, not to compare.

I think it’s best explained by examples.

When you say: “Back home, we do it a bit differently.”
They may hear: “Back home, we do it better.”

When you say: “Our politicians could be jailed for attempting that.”
They may hear: “Our politicians are not as corrupt as yours.”

When you say: “Well, if I ever tried that back home, I would get in serious trouble.”
They may hear: “Back home, we respect the law, values & moral principles.”

When you say: “You know, we typically only consider them as pets.”
They may hear: “Damn, you all are savages, but I’ll admit it does taste good.”

Okay, maybe that last example was exaggerating, but I laughed when I wrote it.

My point is, whenever possible, try to think first how you might feel if a visitor said “back home” what you’re about to say.

Well, then, how to compare? Should I never point out that something is done differently?
– Of course you can! The crucial part is having your comparison immediately wrapped with genuine curiosity and a sincere interest in learning more.

When you say: “Wow, that’s interesting! Is that a special tradition?”
They hear: “Well, yes. {smiles} …about 700 years ago, our ….”

Sincerity – the key ingredient
With sincerity, you mean it and it shows. You start to become “one of the gang.”
Without sincerity, you sound like an arse who would sooner colonize the country for own selfish benefit.
Big difference in approach – bigger difference in outcome.

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